If a Guy Is No Longer Interested Why Does He Keep Reading the Messages You Send Him

Not Interested in Dating Someone? Merely Say And then.

Michael S. Sorensen

FYI, I'm not formally educated or licensed as a therapist, counselor, social worker, psychologist, or healthcare professional, though much of what I teach is informed past these. Curious near my background? Read my bio.

Also, I use affiliate links when recommending books or products. These give me a modest commission if y'all use them to make a buy, at no boosted cost to you. Cheers for your back up.

I've made it a goal to leave on at to the lowest degree one date per week for the past couple of years, and in doing then, accept met hundreds of fantastic people. More often than not, these are first dates, and just outset dates. Every once in a while, though, I meet a woman who I'd like to proceed dating. And every one time in a while, she ends upwardly feeling the aforementioned style and information technology turns into a peachy relationship. (Sweet.)

I also become the occasional woman that I'one thousand interested in, who doesn't show the aforementioned interest in me. (Non so sweet.) And even so, that's dating. I don't get too cleaved upwardly about information technology.

In those instances, however, there is one matter I wish were dissimilar: that people would be more direct when they're merely not interested.

Walking the line.

We as men walk a fine line in pursuing women—that of existence the confident, manly man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to get for it, without becoming the desperate, needy human being who can't take a hint.

What makes walking this line and so hard, though, is the fact that some women play hard-to-get in hopes that the man will pursue her harder, while others play hard-to-get in hopes that the man will "get the hint" and exit them solitary!

See any issues here?

Over the years, I've learned to not make assumptions. If I'thou getting mixed signals, I'll simply inquire her where she's at. I'll exist honest with my hopes (eastward.g. "Hey, I enjoy spending fourth dimension with you, and would like to keep getting to know you") and give them an out if they're not feeling the same way (e.g. "and yet, if yous're not interested, zero hard feelings. I'd just like to know where you're at.")

When I've had that chat, some women tell me that they're simply not interested (peachy—no more guessing), while others admit they are interested, but have been playing hard-to-become considering "otherwise, yous men lose interest!"

What? Okay, sure. There is some psychological something around wanting what you tin't take, but dating is disruptive enough without having to play that game. Can't nosotros simply we spare it?

Let's be real.

Instead of playing games, or trying to "not injure the other person's feelings," I'm a proponent of kind, 18-carat honesty. If you'd like to keep dating someone, say then! If non, say then. Don't "ghost" the person (i.due east. stop returning their calls or texts) and don't feed them endless excuses if they keep request you out.

This goes for both men and women.

Now to exist off-white, telling someone that y'all're not interested is much easier said than done. I practise non envy women, as they're often the ones being pursued, and therefore the ones having to figure out how to let the guy down easy. I've been at that place before—pursued by women I'thou not interested in—and letting them down is tough. I'thou e'er tempted to just give excuses or draw it out until they "get the hint."

But that's non honest. It's non 18-carat. And y'all know what? It's non fifty-fifty kind. Ignoring or avoiding someone when they're conspicuously interested in you lot simply prolongs an uncomfortable situation for the both of you. Whatis the kind thing to practice? Allow them know you're not interested.

But how?

Recently, I had a woman text me later a outset date and tell me she'd love to do something once more former. Non wanting to hurt her feelings, I was immediately tempted to say "Yeah, that would exist fun!"

Just honestly, I wasn't interested. She was great in and so many ways and I truly enjoyed getting to know her that evening, simply I had no intention of request her out again. We but didn't click.

Afterwards giving it some idea, here's how I responded:

Thanks, and I definitely will. And while I had a keen time this evening (genuinely!), I'yard not sure I really run across things working out long term. I enjoyed getting to know you a lilliputian ameliorate—give thanks you for agreeing to go out!

Elementary plenty, right?

She was absurd about it. Here was her response:

I wasn't completely sure, simply I had fun enough fourth dimension talking that I had idea I would give it some other shot. I empathise though! Thanks once again!

We wrapped up with a little more minor talk and it ended positively.

Honestly, I just go on that response saved on my phone at present and tweak it to each situation and then it'southward true and respectful. (Tacky? Maybe. I consider it efficient. It took me a long time to arts and crafts that response! You lot can utilize it, costless of accuse.)

Every time I respond in this style, I become a positive response, and both of u.s. are able to motion on without the uncomfortable guessing, avoiding, or worrying. Every fourth dimension a woman has responded to me in this manner, the issue is the aforementioned. I admire her fifty-fifty more than for having the maturity to be direct, and am grateful to be able to move on without whatever question.

Agree? Disagree? How practise you permit someone downwards nicely? Post about it in the comments beneath.

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33 thoughts on "Not Interested in Dating Someone? Just Say And then."

I wish women would take your communication. Instead they somehow manage to think lying and stringing men along is in that location easy fashion out? Shit gets and then former.
That'southward a great response! Totally copying it. My method is telling them "fifty-fifty though you're nice and good looking, I just don't think we're a fit. (I used to say there was no chemistry just have heard that tin come off as offensive — as if they aren't sexually attractive. XD
1. Hi Jeanie,
  
  Right? And interesting insight on the "chemical science" piece—I hadn't thought of that, only could run into how information technology could exist interpreted that way. Best of luck with the dating!
  
  Michael
2. Agree x infinity!!! I honey your response and copied information technology. I was recently abruptly allow go after being strung along. False words and promises. He said all the correct things. Ugh! I'm not and so much mad at him as I am at how he did it. I hate lies. Totally wasted my fourth dimension.
  1. Ugh, I'grand so pitiful. Dating is rough!
    1. I have a 76 yr old man interested in me. I am 72. He knows my boyfriend died 1 yr ago. He keeps flirting with me. I don't want to injure his feelings, only I am simply not interested.
      1. Hi Pam,
        
        Not an like shooting fish in a barrel situation! My recommendation from the article still stands, though—existence straight and honest is the *kindest* way to allow him down.
        
        Michael
  2. Totally agreed with being upfront from start if there's no interest after trying to get to know someone. In my case, the guy called, texted, facetime; morning, noon, and some late nights for about i-wk ane/2. Immediately inquire me out after his BD wknd spent w/son (?). Anyhow, post-obit his BD, he calls side by side morn left msg. (excuse) for not calling after in twenty-four hour period as promised, saying nosotros would talk later. Later came, (8hrs) I txt to ask if he could talk. "not right now, I will band y'all after". Never happened. Side by side mean solar day, no early on morning time call or text. I waited, text to make sure he's okay. "thx for asking" was response, nothing more. Nor did he call or txt later. I said, to myself, no worries. Third day after BD, I text gm, he responded 2hrs. later, "GM hru". I text afterward, "good", is everything alright w/you. 60 minutes subsequently, "I'm ok, thx for asking bs". I said enough is plenty. I felt I was wasting my time, or being strung along for a ride. No official calls. WTF
    I simply text: Glad you lot're okay. Just asking, are you all the same interested in mtg for the wknd. Could be wrong, but I sense a disconnect. 2hrs and counting went by.
    FYI: He told me he broke up west/his ex approx. 6-mo. prior to mtg me. I'm pretty intuitive. My guts told me they reconciled during his BD, and he does not take nerve to permit me down easy, and or wants his cake /eat information technology too.
    Thing well-nigh it I really liked this guy.
    1. Ugh, that's no fun at all. Another prime example of how existence tactful-notwithstanding-direct is the kindest matter we tin can practice to those we interact with.
I've been up forepart and honest with men to the point where I've actually wound upwards saying thank you but I'chiliad not interested to which I'm and so attacked by being chosen really foul names. I'm almost also afraid to even effort chatting with men usually I'll say thanks for your interest but I'm merely really not interested in going any further and then I'm attacked verbally. Maybe one or ii out of the men I've said no thanks to take been cool near it the others though "scary" doesn't come close to their reactions. Alot is their thinking I'm down for anything which I'm non i merely don't get why men get so angry for no reason. I'grand simply another woman in a long line of women they've pursued so what gives?
Every bit a women, we are often indirect near these things because of:
A) fears of male violence – almost all women have been verbally abused past women for rejecting them (existence called a b**** or a w****, etc.). All women have heard of instances of women existence threatened, physically abused or even killed for rejecting men. It'south merely non worth the risk
B) socialization – perhaps because of A, women are socialized from a very young historic period to be nice and not stone the boat
I never show interest in women (even though I may be very interested) because no woman has ever shown interest in me. I've seen in several places that women usually initiate by giving hints to guys they like. Since I never become whatever hints from women, I don't bother.
I'1000 non interested in dating at all, simply I do enjoy talking and socializing. I never flirt, I don't answer to flirting, and I don't lead women on. My trouble is they get upset because I won't inquire them out. But I don't feel similar I need to give them a reason. No ane is entitled to a date with anyone. Short of eliminating all social contact with women (a tempting choice), how can I prevent them from becoming upset with me?
1. I totally understand John. I like my own space and oft tell men that I enjoy visitor and socializing, simply I don't wish for it to get whatever further. I discover that being direct up front stops people from expecting it to atomic number 82 somewhere. I likewise make it clear to men that they are welcome to sever the friendship if necessary for their own feelings.
  1. Hello Niya,
    
    This is a great approach. Honest, direct, and boundaried. Well washed.
    
    Michael
    1. Hi Michael,
      
      I recently just told the guy I've been dating for a few months that's I didn't feel the relationship was progressing into what I wanted, therefor wanting to move on. I was very nice and respectful. His response was very passive aggressive and feels that sending the bulletin via text was a offense.
      1. Hi Elizabeth,
        
        I'chiliad lamentable y'all're in that situation—it's never piece of cake catastrophe a relationship. Without knowing the details of the situation, it'southward tough for me to comment in depth. I will say, though, that catastrophe a relationship over text generally isn't advisable. My examples in this commodity pertain to situations where someone has expressed involvement in dating, or peradventure going out on a second engagement, not for times when you're already in a human relationship and wanting to break upward. So my apologies if that was not clear. I'm a large proponent of phone or in-person conversations for anything that is difficult, sensitive, or emotionally charged.
        
        So if you haven't washed and then already, you might consider calling him up, validating the fact that breaking up over text wasn't the best idea (e.g. "I'm sad for sending that text—that's non a slap-up way to share something like this…I wanted to be certain I worded information technology well, but I realize now that it would accept been more advisable to telephone call," or whatsoever feels right to you) then promise he is more respectful during your conversation in return.
        
        But if he lashes out or goes passive-aggressive on you, you practise not demand to sit and take that. It's entirely appropriate to say what y'all need to say, and and then kindly wrap things up: "I'chiliad simply non feeling it. Thank y'all for the fourth dimension we had together and I wish you the best."
        
        Once again, my centre goes out to you—I sometimes feel it's harder existence the ane to end a human relationship than being on the receiving end. No fun at all.
        
        Michael
2. Hi John,
  
  That is a tricky situation, to exist certain. You absolutely accept every right to desire to build friendships and non take them into the flirting or dating realm. As to how best to communicate that to these women, that would differ from case to case. If you'd similar to provide a specific example, I'd exist happy to suggest some means to approach it. In general, though, it will be important to recall that while at that place are ways to tactfully approach the situation to increase their chances of understanding or respecting your boundaries, they still may still cull to accept it personally or respond poorly. If they desire you to ask them out and find out you aren't interested, they're going to be disappointed. No way around that. But we of course hope they're emotionally healthy enough to not take that out on you.
  
  Michael
Howdy Michael,
Thank you for your postal service. I broke up with a man I dated a few months agone. He texts or emails me about every two months and the communication problem still hasn't resolved. When I finally called to suggest nosotros talk in person instead of texting and talking he agreed then now he'southward so cold. Nosotros broke information technology off because we agreed we were exclusive and then ane twenty-four hour period the a dating app popped up aNd manifestly he was notwithstanding online. He felt horrible and I said I understand people make mistakes but I can't forget it. So when I saw him again he couldn't answer to what he wanted. I asked him again if I was what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I simply don't know what to do. His texts are common cold and doesn't even bother to inquire how I am doing etc. please advise on how I should respond. I don't similar being treated this manner if I didn't do anything incorrect but love him.
A reminder to the women commenting, this article was written by a man. It's not merely women who are socialized to exist nice, nosotros all are. And while women might fearfulness concrete abuse, just recollect how much men fearfulness psychological abuse that ruins our reputation, our piece of work, our lives, when we reject some women. I'd much rather go a punch in the face. What I have constitute works is that you must pass up them there and and so at the end of the engagement before they go a sniff. Alternatively, if you are unsure then you say "I really don't come across this going anywhere merely I'yard open to a second date." Doing it through text I would feel is more for the person who doesn't accept rejection and keeps on texting. This then is evidence that you have written it with respect if the rejected starts getting defamatory.
I've been in a LDR with a very nice guy for 3 months. The more I've gotten to know about him the more than I'm not sure this relationship is working for me. Everytime I want to vocalisation that he says how compatible he feels we are and happy he is about things. Information technology's evident that I'm broken-hearted and non then happy anymore. I've been feeling like is there something wrong with me that I'm not comfortable anymore ? He'southward a proficient guy merely lacking things I experience I personally need. We haven't spent much time in person withal. Is it dragging it out to wait on that opportunity or is waiting just to possibly break up worse ? Thankyou for this post !
1. Hi Anonymous,
  
  That's a tough one. I will say, there's zip incorrect with you for not being interested in someone. That'south why nosotros engagement—to run across if a relationship has staying power (and to encounter if nosotros're willing to put in the piece of work required to make that human relationship stay neat, because I'm not aware of whatever human relationship that only stays amazing without work 😉 ). If you feel the relationship could benefit from spending more fourth dimension in person, and you lot're willing to wait for that, great! Simply if not, I would be careful to non let feelings of what you "should" or "shouldn't" exercise get in the fashion of what your heart tells you.
  
  Michael
Thanks! I'm also going to have to save that. The guy I wasn't interested in replied: " All good… Not going to waste my time and yours… Yous take care and good luck…" he also mentioned I should have told him sooner, but tbh I was still on the argue.
1. Howdy Pamela,
  
  Nice work. And I'one thousand happy to hear that guy respond well to it. Thanks for sharing!
  1. Thanks for writing this article. I'grand 52 and oasis't dated in 35 years, then this is all new. I accept a big middle (probably why I'g a teacher) and am always worried almost hurting feelings. Especially when they accept expressed feelings for me. I even permit it proceed going thinking I volition become more attracted to them somehow. But then it but gets harder to gracefully bow out.
    I googled how to word things, went not interested. Your advice stood out! This dating matter is brutal in my opinion.
    Thanks again for your wisdom and clarity.
    1. Hi DeAun,
      
      Cheers for your comment. And my lid'southward off to y'all for jumping back in; I'm sure much has inverse in 35 years, and no—dating is never easy!
      
      Michael
I'm 43. A 61 man told me that he likes me. We meet last twelvemonth when I took my lawnmower in to be worked on and brought information technology back to him to work on it this year. Problem is I'm non physically attracted to him. We talked 2 weeks ago on Sunday in person, which was dandy, so silence for 2 weeks. Today he calls me. He seemed to be a expert guy til the silent treatment. I don't know what to practice. I feel similar he was looking for a wife. Reason I'one thousand maxim that is because I told him I felt like "marriage is overrated", he'southward been married 3 times- me twice. I'm not looking to get married again.
1. Hi Anna, I'm sorry you've been on the receiving finish of the "ghosting." Non a fun or like shooting fish in a barrel spot to exist in at all.
  
  Michael
  1. Michael,
    
    I met a guy (younger than me) a few years back, we went out, I had a good time and it turned in a ane night stand (for me). We spoke a few times and seen each other in passing, only I really wasn't interested. However, periodically he will see a post of mine on social media and he will accomplish out, wanting to accept sex again. He says, he "really enjoyed the sexual practice, and would like to meet me and that he is non interested in a relationship". I take never taken him up on the offer, tho. Yet, he continues to text me periodically.
    
    This time tho, he has been texting me for about a month, consistently and still merely wants sex. I accept told him that I am not interested in just that, I want a relationship, (not necessarily with him though), thinking that would get him to go away, it didn't. He continues to text, skilful morn, how are yous, etc.. He'southward non a bad guy, I am just non into him.
    
    How practice I tell him to stop contacting me without existence harsh about it?
    1. Hi Anonymous,
      
      Outset off, kudos to you for holding your ground and addressing your needs. As to how to respond, information technology obviously depends on the recent conversation, what your relationship looked like, etc. But in general, you might consider preparing a more last response for the next time he reaches out. And then if he messages you again asking for sex, y'all might say, "No, cheers. As I've mentioned before, I'm not interested in a casual relationship. I enjoyed our time together *and* I inquire that you please non message me again. Cheers and I wish you all the best."
      
      Michael
Hi Michael – peachy article, just surprising from my perspective. It'southward been the other way around for me (I'chiliad a 47 year old adult female). I've been dating online pretty actively the final couple of years. I've probably met a dozen or so men and have chatted with more of form. In some instances it was clear to me that I did not want to date the guy, and I let them know immediately over text. They responded kindly and appreciatively to me every unmarried time. But more situations involved conversations or dates that were lovely, just the guy did not stay engaged past standing the conversation over text or setting up another phone call or appointment. My read on the situation has typically been that they are not interested enough to stay engaged, simply desire to keep my number in case something else doesn't piece of work out. Subsequently about one-ii weeks of sensing this, I send a nice message like to what you suggest in a higher place and cut it off. Over again, they accept always responded kindly and wished me well. I really don't bask being in that grayness surface area with men that I would consider dating over again. I wish they would just tell me they're not interested. Or should I peradventure continue these doors open up in instance something does piece of work out? I don't get emotional about these situations, merely I admittedly don't like the thought of the guy wanting to go on me around "just in example". Any communication?
1. Hello Suzanne,
  
  It sounds like the situation you lot've described is what I speak to in the article – how difficult it is being the ane interested in someone, but getting mixed signals in return. They don't keep the conversations flowing, they are e'er "busy" when you ask to do something, etc. In those instances, I found myself wishing the other person would merely tell me they weren't interested rather than exit me guessing. Candor is kind!
  
  Michael
I'm a woman and become this from men all the time. It'south so infuriating because I am quite direct, always in a polite way, and all I desire is to know where I stand with someone. Too many times I have had endless text 'situationships' with men where they seem very engaged but never really ask you out to meet. You tin can't write them off notwithstanding but it'south a dissatisfying situation. So then I ask them out (this is commonly at almost the engagement #3 mark) and it'due south a vague response that is often still unclear. Honestly, why tin can't anyone but be upfront anymore. Particularly when we're all communicating via messages these days anyway, how scary can it maybe be to simply say 'look, I had a great time, it was lovely to encounter y'all, merely I but didn't experience the chemical science i'd hoped for' or something?… Anything. Just be upfront every bit soon as possible. Life is too short to exist stringing people along and sadly when you are on the receiving stop of this behavior over and over again you go jaded and reluctant to get involved with anyone.